Grenades
by jane0904
Summary: Three hundred word humorous one-off ficlet with no OCs so can be read by any Firefly fan.  Someone is enamoured of a new type of grenade ...  Read, enjoy, review! UPDATE: okay, so I decided a second chapter was in order ... enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

"_... and even though Crusher Harrison had his arm torn off, he vows he'll be back in the ring to fight his latest opponent, Jumbaway Cho, next month. And that's the end of the sports news. Now ... a word from our sponsors."_

"_Do you get bored having to carry so many weapons? Do you ever wish they'd do more than one thing at a time? Do you want more flash and bang for your credit? Well, now you can. Why take two grenades into the shower when you only need ... the Whisjkers 3000! Totally waterproof, the Whisjkers has an explosive power equal to four normal grenades, as well as a brilliant whiter than white flare that will dazzle your enemies, leaving them defenceless. And, what's more, the Whisjkers 3000 is silent! Surprise your foes, and make you the envy of your friends. And, while stocks last, each crate of 10 comes with a complimentary shower gel and back brush. So why not visit your local supplier and –"_

"Hey, I was watching that!"

"No, Jayne."

"Aw, but Mal –"

"No."

"I can keep 'em for special occasions."

"No."

"Like when we got Reavers on our tail."

"No."

"'N' I could carry 'em with me everywhere."

"Jayne, you remember what happened last time?"

"Um ..."

"You had to retile the bathroom."

"Yeah, but –"

"No, Jayne."

"_Ni shi shenme dongshi, gou niang yang de._"

"I heard that!"

"You were meant to!"

"Septic vat needs doing. And sighing like that ain't gonna make me change my mind. Nor's the cow eyes. Or the lip."

"Gorramit."


	2. Chapter 2

"_... although bloodshed was kept to a minimum by the quick arrival of Alliance Federal forces. Mrs Irene Summersmith, chairman of the Combined Needlework and Karate Society, gave a statement to Cortex reporters from her bed in Persephone General, but we are unable to wave it as it contravened broadcast regulations for the use of foul language. However, doctors have indicated that the source of the problem appears to have been the seven layer bean dip, purchased from a local supplier, that initial tests have established contained high levels of Dutalamine Sulphide, a drug used almost exclusively in senior care facilities to keep their residents ... regular. Unconfirmed reports seem to suggest the dip may have been sabotaged by a former member of the society who was asked to leave some weeks ago. Alliance officers are currently looking for this person, and her son, who was also the supplier of the dip, who is already known to the authorities under the name of Badger. Residents of Eavesdown are requested not to approach, as both are regarded as highly dangerous. The Drift House Hotel, where the meeting took place, declined to comment, but is currently closed for refurbishment and decontamination._

"_In other news, reports of incidents occurring of explosions in bathrooms throughout the sector have been strongly denied by the makers of the Whisjkers 3000 grenade. Weasel Enterprises have, however, withdrawn sale of the grenades, and issued a statement that they never suggested that the grenades were waterproof, and in fact the active ingredient in the explosive becomes unstable should it come into contact with damp conditions. Federal investigators have strongly requested that any person who purchased these grenades should dispose of them as quickly as possible under UXD conditions. The complimentary shower gel and back brush are probably safe."_

"Jayne."

"Yeah, Mal?"

"What're you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Right."

"Nothing. Huh."

"Honest, Mal. Just ... leaning here."

"By the airlock."

"Yeah."

"Doing nothing."

"S'right."

"So I didn't just feel the outer doors open."

"Did'ja?"

"Thought so."

"Must be some kinda mental ab ... aber ... aberer ..."

"Aberration?"

"That's the bunny."

"So I'm having hallucinations."

"Yep."

"And I didn't just see a back brush float by the bridge windows."

"Uh ... no?"

"Jayne ..."

"Yeah, Mal?"

"You shouldn't'a gotten rid of the shower gel. You're gonna be needing it pretty much soon as we land."

"Septic vat?"

"That's the bunny."

"Shit."

"Exactly."

"Gorramit."

"I'm just glad you got rid of those damn grenades."

"Uh ... grenades?"

"Jayne ..."


End file.
